Tough Time

I know it's been a while since I posted anything, and I'd like to strategically work my way back in as to fill the holes and gaps, but right now I just have a heavy heart and need to get it off my chest.

I have made some wonderful friends this year. Ones that I would definitely consider into the family. Friends at church and in football. To some, that might seem like an obvious statement because of my outgoing & bubbly personality. In actuality, the older I get and the more life I experience, the more I have a very difficult time making friends. I have some very deep wounds that cause me to be standoffish when it comes to warming up to people. Most friendships end with me knowing MUCH about others, but them knowing VERY little about me. I always chalk it up to being a good listener, but the truth of the matter is, I don't want to reveal my life to others.

Anyways, that's neither here nor there. The point of this blog entry is to get some things off my chest. In July of this year, I had a dear friend kill himself. It was devastating. His 2 boys play football with my son and my heart was torn into a million shreds for them, as well as for their mom & his wife. As a result of that tragedy, the wife and I became VERY close. My kids and I used to spend MUCH time with them at their house. There was a very special and real friendship that blossomed between us rather quickly. I absolutely love and adore this friend! And her boys are just hysterical and we love spending time with them.

My heart broke again this year...on December 17th in fact....when I received some horrible news. My dear friend, the aforementioned friend, was arrested in her home on charges of murder from a cold case that dates back to 1995. Her husband and 3 other people are also suspects, but since her husband committed suicide 5 months ago, he can no longer be convicted. I will not mention details, 1) because I do not know them all and it's not my place to speak, 2) out of respect for the family and 3) because I don't need to poison people's minds with accusations that may be false. (she has plead not guilty).

Right now my heart is shattered into a million pieces for the sweet boys. Imagine being 15 & 16 years old and losing your father to suicide and 5 months later losing your mother for a crime she may or may not have committed with your father in 1995! Those poor boys. :( I am torn right now because I have conflicting emotions! As a child, I spent much of my childhood weekends visiting people in jail. My mom's boyfriends, by brothers, etc. I promised myself that I would never step foot in a prison again to visit and I would NEVER subject my kids to that ugliness, but I feel the need to go and visit my dear friend! Let her know that I love her and am cheering for her. Let her know that there is forgiveness available through the sacrifice of Christ. Do I break my promise to myself and go visit her despite my convictions? Am I being selfish in keeping away out of childhood trauma? I don't know. I cannot say any more. I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening cyber world!